This Is Only A Test

     Sometimes I feel like life is really testing me.  As though some higher power is observing my struggles, nodding their head and perhaps scratching their chin and saying "Yeah, that was fairly well done, but will you do when this happens?"  I believe it will be a struggle to avoid making this entry a mopey, self-indulgent list of all the things going wrong in my life, but I need to write something.  Maybe I will surprise myself and gain some perspective.
    Alex had his surgery last Wednesday.  It went pretty well, apparently.  They gave instructions for cleaning the wound and prescribed some antibacterial cream and pain killers.  Unfortunately, all sense of things being well left me when I took the bandages off to change the dressing for the very first time.  I had been under the, apparently quite mistaken, impression that they were going to make one or two incisions.  What I found was a huge, gaping hole in the back of his neck.  They also cauterized the wound, so it looked doubly weird.  Like, people look weird inside, but this was extra weird.  I actually froze for a moment, my hands shaking, the bandages half removed.  I wasn't sure I could proceed with changing the dressing, because I knew I would have to apply the antibacterial cream.  It really freaked me out, and I started to become far more worried than I'd been before the procedure.  It opened up a whole horrible line of thinking for me.  What would I do if something happened to him?  How could I go on without him?  My whole life and world revolve around Alex, and the prospect of somehow trying to survive in a world that didn't include him was terrifying.
     Of course, it had to get worse before it got better.  He started running out of pain killers, and the doctors were giving him a really hard time about getting more.  The bandages were also sticking to parts of the wound, forcing me to rip it open when changing them.  In the years we've been together, I've seen Alex cry a few times, but almost never because of physical pain.  I was so frustrated I said that if the doctor didn't give him more medicine, I was going to drive Alex to his office for every bandage change because I couldn't bring myself to put him through it.  We ended up having to take him to the emergency room, where they gave him a small prescription to hold him over until we could see the doctor, who wrote a full prescription for him.  Luckily, this gave me a little peace of mind, as both the nurse at the E.R. and the doctor both agreed that the wound was healing well and that I have been doing a good job taking care of it.  So, it does seem like everything will work out in this case, although it certainly has been a bit traumatizing.
     Tuesday was a pretty stressful day.  It was the day we had to go to the doctor's so they could look at his wound and decide whether or not to prescribe the painkillers he'd requested.  We also had to cash our checks and get the money order to pay the rent, which was going to be late.  As I've already mentioned, the doctor's visit went well, and we proceeded to WalMart to drop off the prescription and take care of the financial stuff.  This was also the day before the big snowstorm, so the place was packed and we waited forever in line at the customer service desk.  When I finally got to the front and tried to cash my check, the clerk looked at my driver's license and said it had expired.  I calmly asked her how this was relevant to me cashing a check.  She proceeded to explain that she couldn't cash my check because the id was invalid.  I attempted to reason with her, which, in retrospect, was probably a mistake, given that I was, after all, at WalMart.  "You are checking my id to verify my identity, not whether or not I am licensed to drive," I explained.  "This is obviously my id, there is a picture of me on the front.  So, you can tell that this is indeed me.  So I really don't understand why there's a problem."  She then conferred with her co-worker who agreed that it was the store policy not to accept an expired license as a valid form of id.
     I happened to be particularly hormonal that day.  I also was pretty miffed that this arrogant, ignorant little bitch felt the need to make life more difficult for someone who was quite obviously not in a great position at the moment.  I mean, I show up at your counter, very pregnant, to cash an unemployment check, and you're really going to give me a hard time about my expired driver's license?  As if that is even something I can be worrying about that right now?  So I promised I would be back with my passport and valiantly resisted the urge to cover both WalMart employees behind the counter with the salad someone had returned that was sitting on the counter.  As I was walking away, I became painfully aware that my anger was at a detrimental level.  I recall thinking that it was very bad for the baby for me to be feeling this level of stress, and that if I didn't do something to blow off some steam, there was a very high probability that I would do something extremely dangerous and stupid if any tiny little thing pushed me any further.  So I kicked the chair at the little employment computer, pretty hard.  I was surprised it didn't move very much, but it made a loud noise.  Everyone in the line, which was now even longer than when I'd joined it, stared.  Even though I knew I was making an ass of myself and should be embarrassed, I found it funny.  It actually made me feel better.  So I walked down a nearby checkout that was closed and put my arm out as I went, knocking a bunch of things over on the top shelf.  Again, I knew I was being childish and that I should be ashamed, but I didn't care even a little bit, and it really did make me feel better.  I went home, got my passport, came back and took care of everything.  The clerk, Lisa, that I'd gotten before was still there, and I don't know if she was embarrassed or frightened or what, but her cheeks were red.  I really think she was lucky, because I consider myself a rational person, someone with self-control who doesn't go lashing out at WalMart employees.  I realized that day that hormones are no fucking joke, folks.  I truly believe if I had not lashed out in those small ways that Ms. Lisa was in immediate and very real danger of having her eyes clawed out.
     I arrived home for the final time...finally, with my rent payment, feeling emotionally drained and ready to try and relax.  I hop on facebook, and things really got interesting.  And, by interesting, I mean completely shitty. I'd seen a post from my father about how he was missing down south.  Then I saw a few more things on his page from posts and comments about how he'd gotten a job and moved far away (presumably down south).  Today I saw posts that confirmed that he's now living and working in Burlingon, North Carolina.  No call, not even a fb message.  It's not like this is the first time, either.  There was the memorable first time he took off, when I was 7, the day after my birthday party, I believe.  At least he had the balls to say goodbye.  Then he moved to North Carolina a few years ago with his now ex-wife and their daughter.  I saw him that time before he left, too, and was a little less traumatized than the previous time...although that could be attributed to the fact that it was at the time during my life when I was...well, I was stoned...a lot...always.  I don't know why, but this time...seemed to hurt as much as the first time.  Maybe it was the hormones.  Maybe it was because he didn't say goodbye.
     He had been trying to get me to go spend time with him, inviting me to his studio.  I wanted to see him, but I just wasn't up for the atmosphere.  It's a really great, fun time with a lot of interesting people...if you're in the mood for a party.  Since I'm pregnant, I really haven't been in the mood.  Really, it's not my scene in general.  I prefer small gatherings and one on one time to being surrounded by people, many I'm meeting for the first time or don't know very well.  I thought about trying to explain it to him, but I didn't think I could make him understand.  I just can't help but wonder, if I'd made more of an effort to spend time with him, might he have stayed?  But on the other hand, how can he expect me to just do that?  To put the time and energy into building a relationship with him when he's already left like this, more than once, and not just to me.  I don't know what happened with Jamie, but I would have to assume she's with her mother, and since Jen was the one that insisted they come back north, I can't imagine she went with him.  I try to understand and to love him for who he is, but I don't understand why he can't see that it hurts.  I hope Jamie is ok, and that she understands it's not her fault.
     I was feeling crappy and cried a lot when I found out, so I called my mom.  She and my brother made me feel so much better.  Even though I was still sad, it made me happy to have them to make me feel loved.  It really did make me feel better knowing that I'd always have them.  I also thought about David, who adopted me and loves me as his daughter, even though he's not my biological father.  I can't change my father, I can only love him for who he is, and be thankful for the family I have that I know is always around me and there for me.  I love them so much.
     Yesterday we went out to Farmington for yet another ultrasound, this being my third one.  I was surprised because my mother said she'd only gotten one when she was pregnant with my brother...however, I guess that was over 15 years ago...They said she only has a two vessel cord, which means instead of two arteries and one vein, she only has one artery and one vein.  Everything else looks completely normal and fine, but there's about a 20% occurrence of certain birth defects coinciding with the condition.  In February we have a follow up appointment where they will take a closer look at her heart and make sure there are no abnormalities.  At that point they may offer amniocentesis.  I am REALLY hoping this won't be necessary, and as there is a 1/300 case of infection and chronic fluid loss from the procedure, it might be a tough decision to weight the risks against the benefits.  Whatever happens, I'll do whatever I can to make sure that she's healthy, and hopefully it turns out not to be an issue anyway, because so far everything else has been perfectly normal.  I also got results showing very decreased risk of birth defects from the down syndrome testing.  So there's really no point in worrying about anything right now.
     So, really, nothing bad happened this week.  Alex's wound from surgery is healing well, the rent is going to be paid, I have a wonderful family that loves me, and a healthy baby on the way.  :)  Blogging really can be therapeutic.