I just love arguing with stupid people. Seriously, if you can't remember what you said 5 minutes ago, don't even bother trying to contradict me, b/c I could go all day. Ok, maybe quitting smoking is starting to get to me. I mean, I will start some Facebook drama over anything these days. Not necessarily b/c I have some impassioned opinion to express, I just want to argue. Better to get it out of my system that way than bitching at Alex about some dumb shit, I guess.
Slept until 2 p.m. today...OMG, it felt SOOOO good. Idk how I've been sleeping so much lately. I guess the move took more out of me than I thought. I was having some crazy dreams, though. I don't remember much, but there was one where I was living w/my ex girlfriend, then my fiancee introduced me to his boss, who answered his door w/a shotgun pointed at us. Then my dad came along, and I decided to introduce him to Alex's boss b/c they might like to party together. So, I ended up moving in somewhere w/my dad, and he and Alex's boss drank until my dad passed out in my bed. I woke up next to him like "Well, that's awkward, my dad is in my bed" then started thinking about some food I had left at my ex girlfriend's place. Specifically, it was these frozen breakfast sausages wrapped in blueberry pancakes on a stick. They are delicious. I decided it wasn't worth going to see her, though, and that I would just get some more. So, I went to go to the store and my dad woke up and expressed concern over my outfit, which was skimpy and all mussed up b/c I'd slept in it, b/c he was worried people would think something incestuous was going on. This was extra funny in real life b/c he used to date this college girl who is younger than me and looks EXACTLY like my little sister. Then, there was another part to the dream, or maybe a seperate dream, idk, where some people I didn't recognize told me they'd just been at my ex-boyfriend from Freshman year of high school's house, and that he was being gang raped. Apparently, they didn't do anything about it, which I thought was pretty messed up. So, there's my sub-conscious for you...whatever the hell all that means.
The only reason I even woke up today was b/c the Potter's Oil guy was making some interesting noises outside, which were nearly drowned out by the sound of the pouring rain...poor bastard. Luckily, I was his last stop and the rain had only just started. So, I woke up and put on some pants, figuring he'd probably need to see me before he left, then I started looking for the cats b/c I wanted to know where they all were before I had to open the door for him. Gilbert, of course, immediately came up to me to vocalize his opinion on whatever the hell it is that's pissing him off, presumably the fact that he's not being allowed outside. Smokey was sleeping on my chair. I couldn't find Yin. Anywhere. I started freaking out. Yin is my FAVORITE cat, not just of the ones I have/have had, but like, ever met in my life. I looked in the bedroom, in the closets, in the bathroom, in the cabinets, in the kitchen, under the chairs, behind the chairs, I looked EVERYWHERE I could think of that he might be. No Yin. I started to worry that he might have snuck past Alex on his way to work. It was raining HARD and he's never been outside at our new place before. Panicking, I continued to frantically search for the kitty. Then, the oil guy knocked on the door. I couldn't very well ignore him, or tell him to wait until I found the potentially missing cat, so I let him in, guarding the door from the other 2 kitties. Gilbert was interested in outside, but not in getting kicked away from the door, so he stayed as close as he could without making a move to get closer. Smokey stood in the hallway, wise to the fact that he was not getting out that door, and not wanting to risk getting sprayed w/water. The oil guy came in and started checking the stove to make sure it worked. He wasn't there more than a couple minutes when I saw Yin walk into the living room to check out the visitor and make sure he posed no threat. I couldn't really express my relief or surprise while this stranger was in my kitchen working on my stove, but I can NOT figure out where he could have been hiding. It is, however, extremely sweet and cute that he came out to make sure that the newcomer was not going to harm his mommy. He's like my little guard kitty <3
So, feeling a bit lazy today. Also, unpacking is being hampered by a lack of tacky paper. This means I can't put dishes in the cabinets, and I don't want to start unpacking other stuff, b/c I want to make sure there is enough room to put it in the other cabinets. If the dishes don't fit where I plan to put them, I will have to put them in the cabinets where I plan to put the books, meaning if I put the books away, and have to move the dishes, I will have to move the books, as well as anything that ends up in whatever new place I decide to put the books...you get the picture. Alex is all pissed off about all the boxes in the kitchen. He started unpacking some things the other day, which was fine, but there are a lot of things he couldn't unpack b/c he knew I would just get pissed off and move them somewhere else. So, he got frustrated and wanted me to unpack more. I explained (for the 3rd time) that I needed tacky paper to unpack the dishes, and didn't want to unpack anything else until they were put away, and his frustration increased. It pissed me off a little. I mean, I don't have a job to occupy my thoughts/energy, I have this: the house, and unpacking. So, needless to say, with the kind of personality type I have, everything has been planned out and pre-decided. Also, I have made quite a lot of progress unpacking as much as I could before acquiring the tacky paper, and done it quite quickly, too, especially considering that I'm more than 7 months pregnant. So, we actually had an argument about unpacking. I felt insulted b/c he seemed to be insinuating that the effort I was putting in was inadequate, which I'm sure is not the case, as it's ALL I have to do, so I've put, as I said, quite a bit of thought into it. He was insulted b/c he felt my telling him not to do any more unpacking meant that I think that whatever he does will inevitably be inferior to whatever I would have done myself. Absolute silliness...gotta get that stupid tacky paper.
My baby shower is in 5 days. I'm super nervous about it. There's going to be a few people from Alex's family and their church that I don't know, and there's going to be a lot of my family that I haven't seen or spoken to in a long time. Also, I think some of them might hate me b/c I'm an asshole on Facebook sometimes. I just can't help myself, I'm an opinionated person sometimes. Also, everyone is going to be "showering" me w/gifts, which makes me incredibly uncomfortable. I have to keep in mind, it's not REALLY for me, it's for Aislynn, and I am just accepting them on her behalf. I think I should practice acting grateful in a mirror or something. I don't think very many of my friends are actually going to be there, which isn't a huge surprise, since I don't really have any friends that I maintain contact with. Although, I have talked to a couple of my girlfriends from high school, and it's reminded me how much I love them. We almost never talk, and yet I can pick up the phone and call them and we can talk about absolutely nothing for hours, just like it's still our sophomore year. Hopefully with the extra space and nice big yard I can start having people around more often. If I have time with the baby, that is. I can't WAIT to not be pregnant anymore, it's getting ridiculous. I can't do ANYTHING, like, I can barely dress myself. It's so frustrating! On the other hand, the idea of giving birth is TERRIFYING to me. I am almost hoping I will need a C-Section. I made the mistake of reading the baby books (I know they say you should, but ladies, don't read the baby books...they are scary) and it mentioned how sometimes they need to make an incision. Yeah, there. O.O Scary. Also, I'm almost sure they will have to do this w/me, b/c I can't even handle a pap smear due to...uh...smallness issues... :/ Such a difficult topic to discuss w/any tact. I'm also worried about getting all stretched out, b/c, like I said, kinda...smaller than some. This is not usually a problem, and has many benefits that I'm sure I don't have to explain. I'm afraid Alex will lose interest after I have the baby b/c my body will be all ruined. :( I talked to him about it, and he says I'm being silly, but I can't really know for sure how he's actually going to feel about it until after.
More to say, since a lot has been going on lately and I haven't updated in forever, but this is already really long, and I'm getting bored w/typing, so I think I'll save it for later.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Monday, January 31, 2011
Sad Face :( Happy Face :)
Whew...what a day...I slept late...although I still feel fatigued and crappy; I haven't been sleeping well. I can't get comfortable, b/c I have to sleep on my side, being prego. I have a rolled up blanket I put between my knees to help w/the pain in my knees and hips, but I can't figure out how to prevent the pain I get in my shoulders. It's been enough to keep me up lately. Along with the help of the cats, of course. They are furious that they haven't been allowed to go out due to all the snow. They yowl and jump around, trying to cause enough trouble to get kicked out. Silly creatures.
Anyway, as to the craziness of today....oh boy. It started out innocently enough, as all things seem to. While I was asleep, Alex was bored and posting on Facebook. He enjoys making provocative statements about various topics, most often religion in an attempt to force people to really examine their faith. I find this to be an admirable pursuit, as far too many people align themselves with a religion based on the threat of hellfire rather than any rational thought process about what they are agreeing to. Most people don't really get it, though, and sometimes people get offended. Today he saw on one of his friends' pages that his wife said something about going to church with "His praise on her lips". He made some innocent commentary that wasn't really saying anything, b/c it sounds a little bit sexual, and is rather hilarious. She got all mad and suggested he block their page, even though what he'd said was no more than "Wow....n.m." Of course, after that, he had to vent and posted a status about how homo-erotic Christian religion is, citing the near-naked form of the not unattractively depicted Christ on the cross as evidence.
This led to what was, at first, an interesting discussion. Until the infamous Jarrett got involved. Of course, he had to proceed to making offensive remarks about gays and resort to name-calling, forcing Alex to defend himself as bisexual. Somehow, when his mother saw the conversation, she got all offended, and not by what Jarrett was saying, but of Alex's original post questioning the church! Well, why the hell shouldn't he question an organization that condemns him to eternal damnation for feelings that he doesn't choose to have? She called him on the phone and they had an argument about the fact that he does not agree with their religion. Then he admitted to her that he is bisexual, and things really just blew up in his face at that point. Poor guy...try and be honest with people...
I was really proud of the way Alex stood up for himself, who he is, and his beliefs to his parents. It's really tough that they just can't see any other perspective than that non-Christians, and not just non-Christians, but anyone who is not Russian Orthodox, will go to hell. His mother even suggested that he simply ignore the fact that the religion did not condone homosexuality...ummm...what? You're...not really supposed to...I mean...doesn't it kindof defeat the purpose...to just...reject the parts of the religion you don't agree with? It was definitely a heated discussion, but I think Alex did a good job of sticking up for himself without being disrespectful to them. If anything, I was a little disappointed in the way they reacted to him. His mother got very emotional, of course, then blamed herself, and a bunch of other understandable, but very immature and rather selfish forms of response. His dad tried to be forceful, shouting in the background "Oh, he'll do it!" when Alex said that he did not want to raise our daughter orthodox. Talk about disrespectful....how disappointing. At least Alex was being a reasonable person throughout being berated and made to feel guilty.
Facebook also did some good things for us today, though! Alex found an opening for a tattoo artist's apprenticeship on Craigslist. Unfortunately, there was a cost of $2000 for equipment and licensing. However, that really isn't that much in comparison to, say, trying to get a degree. He is such a talented artist, and he gets so frustrated by having to work crappy 9-5 jobs, so we were really excited that there seemed to be an attainable way for him to use his talent to make a career for himself. So, I encouraged him to pursue it, even though we don't have the money right now. He's started drawing daily, and posting his work on Facebook, and people love it!!! So, I suggested he put it out there that he was interested in exploring a career in tattooing, but needed financial backing. I didn't know that anyone would really be able to help, but figured it was worth a shot. Especially since his parents' religious views are against tattoos, so they probably wouldn't be willing to help. He had a status update about that too, b/c it upset him that their religion would seem to take precedence over his success and happiness...the issue was, of course, part of the phone conversation about religion... :/ Anyway, we were both surprised to see that, within a couple hours, almost half a dozen people responded and wanted to help out!! We messaged them with our address, and I'm hoping that with a little help from our friends, Alex can make this dream of being a tattoo artist a reality!!!
It has been really tough, trying to counteract his mom's nay-saying about tattooing. Other family members also took up the cause, trying to suggest other areas of artistic careers, like graphic design. The whole point, though is that he doesn't need a degree for this!! Just the certification and equipment, all of which he can get for a measly 2 grand!!! That's a fraction of what it would cost for him to get the degree he would need to do graphic design, and we can't even afford that much w/o asking for help. In any case, though, I am very happy for him that this looks like it might work out!! How cool would that be? So excite!!
Right now, am feeling very emotionally exhausted...lack of proper sleep and all this excitement has got me pooped, despite sleeping on/off for almost 12 hours...zzzzzz
Anyway, as to the craziness of today....oh boy. It started out innocently enough, as all things seem to. While I was asleep, Alex was bored and posting on Facebook. He enjoys making provocative statements about various topics, most often religion in an attempt to force people to really examine their faith. I find this to be an admirable pursuit, as far too many people align themselves with a religion based on the threat of hellfire rather than any rational thought process about what they are agreeing to. Most people don't really get it, though, and sometimes people get offended. Today he saw on one of his friends' pages that his wife said something about going to church with "His praise on her lips". He made some innocent commentary that wasn't really saying anything, b/c it sounds a little bit sexual, and is rather hilarious. She got all mad and suggested he block their page, even though what he'd said was no more than "Wow....n.m." Of course, after that, he had to vent and posted a status about how homo-erotic Christian religion is, citing the near-naked form of the not unattractively depicted Christ on the cross as evidence.
This led to what was, at first, an interesting discussion. Until the infamous Jarrett got involved. Of course, he had to proceed to making offensive remarks about gays and resort to name-calling, forcing Alex to defend himself as bisexual. Somehow, when his mother saw the conversation, she got all offended, and not by what Jarrett was saying, but of Alex's original post questioning the church! Well, why the hell shouldn't he question an organization that condemns him to eternal damnation for feelings that he doesn't choose to have? She called him on the phone and they had an argument about the fact that he does not agree with their religion. Then he admitted to her that he is bisexual, and things really just blew up in his face at that point. Poor guy...try and be honest with people...
I was really proud of the way Alex stood up for himself, who he is, and his beliefs to his parents. It's really tough that they just can't see any other perspective than that non-Christians, and not just non-Christians, but anyone who is not Russian Orthodox, will go to hell. His mother even suggested that he simply ignore the fact that the religion did not condone homosexuality...ummm...what? You're...not really supposed to...I mean...doesn't it kindof defeat the purpose...to just...reject the parts of the religion you don't agree with? It was definitely a heated discussion, but I think Alex did a good job of sticking up for himself without being disrespectful to them. If anything, I was a little disappointed in the way they reacted to him. His mother got very emotional, of course, then blamed herself, and a bunch of other understandable, but very immature and rather selfish forms of response. His dad tried to be forceful, shouting in the background "Oh, he'll do it!" when Alex said that he did not want to raise our daughter orthodox. Talk about disrespectful....how disappointing. At least Alex was being a reasonable person throughout being berated and made to feel guilty.
Facebook also did some good things for us today, though! Alex found an opening for a tattoo artist's apprenticeship on Craigslist. Unfortunately, there was a cost of $2000 for equipment and licensing. However, that really isn't that much in comparison to, say, trying to get a degree. He is such a talented artist, and he gets so frustrated by having to work crappy 9-5 jobs, so we were really excited that there seemed to be an attainable way for him to use his talent to make a career for himself. So, I encouraged him to pursue it, even though we don't have the money right now. He's started drawing daily, and posting his work on Facebook, and people love it!!! So, I suggested he put it out there that he was interested in exploring a career in tattooing, but needed financial backing. I didn't know that anyone would really be able to help, but figured it was worth a shot. Especially since his parents' religious views are against tattoos, so they probably wouldn't be willing to help. He had a status update about that too, b/c it upset him that their religion would seem to take precedence over his success and happiness...the issue was, of course, part of the phone conversation about religion... :/ Anyway, we were both surprised to see that, within a couple hours, almost half a dozen people responded and wanted to help out!! We messaged them with our address, and I'm hoping that with a little help from our friends, Alex can make this dream of being a tattoo artist a reality!!!
It has been really tough, trying to counteract his mom's nay-saying about tattooing. Other family members also took up the cause, trying to suggest other areas of artistic careers, like graphic design. The whole point, though is that he doesn't need a degree for this!! Just the certification and equipment, all of which he can get for a measly 2 grand!!! That's a fraction of what it would cost for him to get the degree he would need to do graphic design, and we can't even afford that much w/o asking for help. In any case, though, I am very happy for him that this looks like it might work out!! How cool would that be? So excite!!
Right now, am feeling very emotionally exhausted...lack of proper sleep and all this excitement has got me pooped, despite sleeping on/off for almost 12 hours...zzzzzz
Friday, January 14, 2011
This Is Only A Test
Sometimes I feel like life is really testing me. As though some higher power is observing my struggles, nodding their head and perhaps scratching their chin and saying "Yeah, that was fairly well done, but will you do when this happens?" I believe it will be a struggle to avoid making this entry a mopey, self-indulgent list of all the things going wrong in my life, but I need to write something. Maybe I will surprise myself and gain some perspective.
Alex had his surgery last Wednesday. It went pretty well, apparently. They gave instructions for cleaning the wound and prescribed some antibacterial cream and pain killers. Unfortunately, all sense of things being well left me when I took the bandages off to change the dressing for the very first time. I had been under the, apparently quite mistaken, impression that they were going to make one or two incisions. What I found was a huge, gaping hole in the back of his neck. They also cauterized the wound, so it looked doubly weird. Like, people look weird inside, but this was extra weird. I actually froze for a moment, my hands shaking, the bandages half removed. I wasn't sure I could proceed with changing the dressing, because I knew I would have to apply the antibacterial cream. It really freaked me out, and I started to become far more worried than I'd been before the procedure. It opened up a whole horrible line of thinking for me. What would I do if something happened to him? How could I go on without him? My whole life and world revolve around Alex, and the prospect of somehow trying to survive in a world that didn't include him was terrifying.
Of course, it had to get worse before it got better. He started running out of pain killers, and the doctors were giving him a really hard time about getting more. The bandages were also sticking to parts of the wound, forcing me to rip it open when changing them. In the years we've been together, I've seen Alex cry a few times, but almost never because of physical pain. I was so frustrated I said that if the doctor didn't give him more medicine, I was going to drive Alex to his office for every bandage change because I couldn't bring myself to put him through it. We ended up having to take him to the emergency room, where they gave him a small prescription to hold him over until we could see the doctor, who wrote a full prescription for him. Luckily, this gave me a little peace of mind, as both the nurse at the E.R. and the doctor both agreed that the wound was healing well and that I have been doing a good job taking care of it. So, it does seem like everything will work out in this case, although it certainly has been a bit traumatizing.
Tuesday was a pretty stressful day. It was the day we had to go to the doctor's so they could look at his wound and decide whether or not to prescribe the painkillers he'd requested. We also had to cash our checks and get the money order to pay the rent, which was going to be late. As I've already mentioned, the doctor's visit went well, and we proceeded to WalMart to drop off the prescription and take care of the financial stuff. This was also the day before the big snowstorm, so the place was packed and we waited forever in line at the customer service desk. When I finally got to the front and tried to cash my check, the clerk looked at my driver's license and said it had expired. I calmly asked her how this was relevant to me cashing a check. She proceeded to explain that she couldn't cash my check because the id was invalid. I attempted to reason with her, which, in retrospect, was probably a mistake, given that I was, after all, at WalMart. "You are checking my id to verify my identity, not whether or not I am licensed to drive," I explained. "This is obviously my id, there is a picture of me on the front. So, you can tell that this is indeed me. So I really don't understand why there's a problem." She then conferred with her co-worker who agreed that it was the store policy not to accept an expired license as a valid form of id.
I happened to be particularly hormonal that day. I also was pretty miffed that this arrogant, ignorant little bitch felt the need to make life more difficult for someone who was quite obviously not in a great position at the moment. I mean, I show up at your counter, very pregnant, to cash an unemployment check, and you're really going to give me a hard time about my expired driver's license? As if that is even something I can be worrying about that right now? So I promised I would be back with my passport and valiantly resisted the urge to cover both WalMart employees behind the counter with the salad someone had returned that was sitting on the counter. As I was walking away, I became painfully aware that my anger was at a detrimental level. I recall thinking that it was very bad for the baby for me to be feeling this level of stress, and that if I didn't do something to blow off some steam, there was a very high probability that I would do something extremely dangerous and stupid if any tiny little thing pushed me any further. So I kicked the chair at the little employment computer, pretty hard. I was surprised it didn't move very much, but it made a loud noise. Everyone in the line, which was now even longer than when I'd joined it, stared. Even though I knew I was making an ass of myself and should be embarrassed, I found it funny. It actually made me feel better. So I walked down a nearby checkout that was closed and put my arm out as I went, knocking a bunch of things over on the top shelf. Again, I knew I was being childish and that I should be ashamed, but I didn't care even a little bit, and it really did make me feel better. I went home, got my passport, came back and took care of everything. The clerk, Lisa, that I'd gotten before was still there, and I don't know if she was embarrassed or frightened or what, but her cheeks were red. I really think she was lucky, because I consider myself a rational person, someone with self-control who doesn't go lashing out at WalMart employees. I realized that day that hormones are no fucking joke, folks. I truly believe if I had not lashed out in those small ways that Ms. Lisa was in immediate and very real danger of having her eyes clawed out.
I arrived home for the final time...finally, with my rent payment, feeling emotionally drained and ready to try and relax. I hop on facebook, and things really got interesting. And, by interesting, I mean completely shitty. I'd seen a post from my father about how he was missing down south. Then I saw a few more things on his page from posts and comments about how he'd gotten a job and moved far away (presumably down south). Today I saw posts that confirmed that he's now living and working in Burlingon, North Carolina. No call, not even a fb message. It's not like this is the first time, either. There was the memorable first time he took off, when I was 7, the day after my birthday party, I believe. At least he had the balls to say goodbye. Then he moved to North Carolina a few years ago with his now ex-wife and their daughter. I saw him that time before he left, too, and was a little less traumatized than the previous time...although that could be attributed to the fact that it was at the time during my life when I was...well, I was stoned...a lot...always. I don't know why, but this time...seemed to hurt as much as the first time. Maybe it was the hormones. Maybe it was because he didn't say goodbye.
He had been trying to get me to go spend time with him, inviting me to his studio. I wanted to see him, but I just wasn't up for the atmosphere. It's a really great, fun time with a lot of interesting people...if you're in the mood for a party. Since I'm pregnant, I really haven't been in the mood. Really, it's not my scene in general. I prefer small gatherings and one on one time to being surrounded by people, many I'm meeting for the first time or don't know very well. I thought about trying to explain it to him, but I didn't think I could make him understand. I just can't help but wonder, if I'd made more of an effort to spend time with him, might he have stayed? But on the other hand, how can he expect me to just do that? To put the time and energy into building a relationship with him when he's already left like this, more than once, and not just to me. I don't know what happened with Jamie, but I would have to assume she's with her mother, and since Jen was the one that insisted they come back north, I can't imagine she went with him. I try to understand and to love him for who he is, but I don't understand why he can't see that it hurts. I hope Jamie is ok, and that she understands it's not her fault.
I was feeling crappy and cried a lot when I found out, so I called my mom. She and my brother made me feel so much better. Even though I was still sad, it made me happy to have them to make me feel loved. It really did make me feel better knowing that I'd always have them. I also thought about David, who adopted me and loves me as his daughter, even though he's not my biological father. I can't change my father, I can only love him for who he is, and be thankful for the family I have that I know is always around me and there for me. I love them so much.
Yesterday we went out to Farmington for yet another ultrasound, this being my third one. I was surprised because my mother said she'd only gotten one when she was pregnant with my brother...however, I guess that was over 15 years ago...They said she only has a two vessel cord, which means instead of two arteries and one vein, she only has one artery and one vein. Everything else looks completely normal and fine, but there's about a 20% occurrence of certain birth defects coinciding with the condition. In February we have a follow up appointment where they will take a closer look at her heart and make sure there are no abnormalities. At that point they may offer amniocentesis. I am REALLY hoping this won't be necessary, and as there is a 1/300 case of infection and chronic fluid loss from the procedure, it might be a tough decision to weight the risks against the benefits. Whatever happens, I'll do whatever I can to make sure that she's healthy, and hopefully it turns out not to be an issue anyway, because so far everything else has been perfectly normal. I also got results showing very decreased risk of birth defects from the down syndrome testing. So there's really no point in worrying about anything right now.
So, really, nothing bad happened this week. Alex's wound from surgery is healing well, the rent is going to be paid, I have a wonderful family that loves me, and a healthy baby on the way. :) Blogging really can be therapeutic.
Alex had his surgery last Wednesday. It went pretty well, apparently. They gave instructions for cleaning the wound and prescribed some antibacterial cream and pain killers. Unfortunately, all sense of things being well left me when I took the bandages off to change the dressing for the very first time. I had been under the, apparently quite mistaken, impression that they were going to make one or two incisions. What I found was a huge, gaping hole in the back of his neck. They also cauterized the wound, so it looked doubly weird. Like, people look weird inside, but this was extra weird. I actually froze for a moment, my hands shaking, the bandages half removed. I wasn't sure I could proceed with changing the dressing, because I knew I would have to apply the antibacterial cream. It really freaked me out, and I started to become far more worried than I'd been before the procedure. It opened up a whole horrible line of thinking for me. What would I do if something happened to him? How could I go on without him? My whole life and world revolve around Alex, and the prospect of somehow trying to survive in a world that didn't include him was terrifying.
Of course, it had to get worse before it got better. He started running out of pain killers, and the doctors were giving him a really hard time about getting more. The bandages were also sticking to parts of the wound, forcing me to rip it open when changing them. In the years we've been together, I've seen Alex cry a few times, but almost never because of physical pain. I was so frustrated I said that if the doctor didn't give him more medicine, I was going to drive Alex to his office for every bandage change because I couldn't bring myself to put him through it. We ended up having to take him to the emergency room, where they gave him a small prescription to hold him over until we could see the doctor, who wrote a full prescription for him. Luckily, this gave me a little peace of mind, as both the nurse at the E.R. and the doctor both agreed that the wound was healing well and that I have been doing a good job taking care of it. So, it does seem like everything will work out in this case, although it certainly has been a bit traumatizing.
Tuesday was a pretty stressful day. It was the day we had to go to the doctor's so they could look at his wound and decide whether or not to prescribe the painkillers he'd requested. We also had to cash our checks and get the money order to pay the rent, which was going to be late. As I've already mentioned, the doctor's visit went well, and we proceeded to WalMart to drop off the prescription and take care of the financial stuff. This was also the day before the big snowstorm, so the place was packed and we waited forever in line at the customer service desk. When I finally got to the front and tried to cash my check, the clerk looked at my driver's license and said it had expired. I calmly asked her how this was relevant to me cashing a check. She proceeded to explain that she couldn't cash my check because the id was invalid. I attempted to reason with her, which, in retrospect, was probably a mistake, given that I was, after all, at WalMart. "You are checking my id to verify my identity, not whether or not I am licensed to drive," I explained. "This is obviously my id, there is a picture of me on the front. So, you can tell that this is indeed me. So I really don't understand why there's a problem." She then conferred with her co-worker who agreed that it was the store policy not to accept an expired license as a valid form of id.
I happened to be particularly hormonal that day. I also was pretty miffed that this arrogant, ignorant little bitch felt the need to make life more difficult for someone who was quite obviously not in a great position at the moment. I mean, I show up at your counter, very pregnant, to cash an unemployment check, and you're really going to give me a hard time about my expired driver's license? As if that is even something I can be worrying about that right now? So I promised I would be back with my passport and valiantly resisted the urge to cover both WalMart employees behind the counter with the salad someone had returned that was sitting on the counter. As I was walking away, I became painfully aware that my anger was at a detrimental level. I recall thinking that it was very bad for the baby for me to be feeling this level of stress, and that if I didn't do something to blow off some steam, there was a very high probability that I would do something extremely dangerous and stupid if any tiny little thing pushed me any further. So I kicked the chair at the little employment computer, pretty hard. I was surprised it didn't move very much, but it made a loud noise. Everyone in the line, which was now even longer than when I'd joined it, stared. Even though I knew I was making an ass of myself and should be embarrassed, I found it funny. It actually made me feel better. So I walked down a nearby checkout that was closed and put my arm out as I went, knocking a bunch of things over on the top shelf. Again, I knew I was being childish and that I should be ashamed, but I didn't care even a little bit, and it really did make me feel better. I went home, got my passport, came back and took care of everything. The clerk, Lisa, that I'd gotten before was still there, and I don't know if she was embarrassed or frightened or what, but her cheeks were red. I really think she was lucky, because I consider myself a rational person, someone with self-control who doesn't go lashing out at WalMart employees. I realized that day that hormones are no fucking joke, folks. I truly believe if I had not lashed out in those small ways that Ms. Lisa was in immediate and very real danger of having her eyes clawed out.
I arrived home for the final time...finally, with my rent payment, feeling emotionally drained and ready to try and relax. I hop on facebook, and things really got interesting. And, by interesting, I mean completely shitty. I'd seen a post from my father about how he was missing down south. Then I saw a few more things on his page from posts and comments about how he'd gotten a job and moved far away (presumably down south). Today I saw posts that confirmed that he's now living and working in Burlingon, North Carolina. No call, not even a fb message. It's not like this is the first time, either. There was the memorable first time he took off, when I was 7, the day after my birthday party, I believe. At least he had the balls to say goodbye. Then he moved to North Carolina a few years ago with his now ex-wife and their daughter. I saw him that time before he left, too, and was a little less traumatized than the previous time...although that could be attributed to the fact that it was at the time during my life when I was...well, I was stoned...a lot...always. I don't know why, but this time...seemed to hurt as much as the first time. Maybe it was the hormones. Maybe it was because he didn't say goodbye.
He had been trying to get me to go spend time with him, inviting me to his studio. I wanted to see him, but I just wasn't up for the atmosphere. It's a really great, fun time with a lot of interesting people...if you're in the mood for a party. Since I'm pregnant, I really haven't been in the mood. Really, it's not my scene in general. I prefer small gatherings and one on one time to being surrounded by people, many I'm meeting for the first time or don't know very well. I thought about trying to explain it to him, but I didn't think I could make him understand. I just can't help but wonder, if I'd made more of an effort to spend time with him, might he have stayed? But on the other hand, how can he expect me to just do that? To put the time and energy into building a relationship with him when he's already left like this, more than once, and not just to me. I don't know what happened with Jamie, but I would have to assume she's with her mother, and since Jen was the one that insisted they come back north, I can't imagine she went with him. I try to understand and to love him for who he is, but I don't understand why he can't see that it hurts. I hope Jamie is ok, and that she understands it's not her fault.
I was feeling crappy and cried a lot when I found out, so I called my mom. She and my brother made me feel so much better. Even though I was still sad, it made me happy to have them to make me feel loved. It really did make me feel better knowing that I'd always have them. I also thought about David, who adopted me and loves me as his daughter, even though he's not my biological father. I can't change my father, I can only love him for who he is, and be thankful for the family I have that I know is always around me and there for me. I love them so much.
Yesterday we went out to Farmington for yet another ultrasound, this being my third one. I was surprised because my mother said she'd only gotten one when she was pregnant with my brother...however, I guess that was over 15 years ago...They said she only has a two vessel cord, which means instead of two arteries and one vein, she only has one artery and one vein. Everything else looks completely normal and fine, but there's about a 20% occurrence of certain birth defects coinciding with the condition. In February we have a follow up appointment where they will take a closer look at her heart and make sure there are no abnormalities. At that point they may offer amniocentesis. I am REALLY hoping this won't be necessary, and as there is a 1/300 case of infection and chronic fluid loss from the procedure, it might be a tough decision to weight the risks against the benefits. Whatever happens, I'll do whatever I can to make sure that she's healthy, and hopefully it turns out not to be an issue anyway, because so far everything else has been perfectly normal. I also got results showing very decreased risk of birth defects from the down syndrome testing. So there's really no point in worrying about anything right now.
So, really, nothing bad happened this week. Alex's wound from surgery is healing well, the rent is going to be paid, I have a wonderful family that loves me, and a healthy baby on the way. :) Blogging really can be therapeutic.
Friday, December 17, 2010
Doctors and Landlords and Babies...Oh My!
Doctor's appointment went well. :) Got some blood drawn; I was happy it was only 1 tube, b/c last time they did 4! It's silly, b/c I don't have a problem w/the initial part of the needle going in, but for some reason, it really freaks me out when they have to change the tube. I don't know why, I guess I expect my blood to go spraying everywhere or something, or I'm just weird. Mostly this visit they just asked questions about how I was feeling. I asked about some of the abdominal discomfort I've been feeling, which, as I'd suspected, was all totally normal. The midwife actually took the time to explain to me exactly what my body is doing to cause certain sensations, which will really help me stop worrying so much about every little cramp I get. At the end of the visit we got to hear the heartbeat. :) <3
So, I got an appointment for the "anatomical scan" ultrasound, which, of course, is when they try to determine the baby's gender, for Thursday, January 6th. So excited!! Of course, we are already pretty sure it's going to be a girl, but being surer can't hurt. Plus, the whole ultrasound experience is really indescribably special. It's so crazy seeing the image of your baby on the screen. The first time I went, I was a little overwhelmed. I think the people working there didn't know what to make of me b/c I didn't show much of a reaction. That's just how I react to things when I'm really emotional and there's people around. I just don't show any of it, even though I feel like I'm going to burst. But it really was amazing and I can't wait to do it again, despite how horribly uncomfortable it is. You'd think, "Oh, they're just touching a wand to your stomach, big deal" but you'd be very wrong in thinking that. In reality, they jam on you with that friggin wand, going so far as to forcibly jostle you in an attempt to get the baby to move a certain way. Probably another contributing factor to my lack of displayed emotion.
I'm hoping we can figure out a plan for relocating soon. At least before the baby comes would really be good. This place is driving me nuts! There is a ceiling tile about to file in the bathroom
The floors aren't secured and the carpets are all pulled up and wrinkled, and the linoleum curls at the edges, making it virtually impossible to keep the floors clean, so they are perpetually filthy
The toilet seat has been broken 3 consecutive times in the same spot b/c my moron landlord can't figure out that b/c the archaic contraption was made in, like, 1963, it is too narrow for a "modern" toilet seat and requires a special one. I timed my shower one day and discovered that we get approximately 7 minutes of hot water, which is just long enough to shampoo, wash face, and get covered in soap before the water turns freezing and then you have to rinse off hurriedly and hope you don't miss a spot. The best part is, after making ONE repair, albeit a large one: the entire roof had to be redone as well as parts of mine and my neighbor's ceiling after I came home one day to find my kitchen flooded and rain pouring...from my ceiling...anyway, upon repair, my rent was raised back to the original $600/month. I had been paying only $500 due to all the things wrong in here. I just don't see how that one repair justifies jacking the price up, and now I'm scared that if I have him repair all the other stuff, he'll try to raise it further. So we'd like to skip the whole ordeal and move. I'd really like to go to Mansfield, b/c once the baby is older, they have GREAT schools. Unfortunately, it is an expensive place to live.
Alex seems a little more gung-ho about the job searching. He was cheerleading me to finish my applications this weekend so we could go drop them off and then stop by the Student Union in Uconn to apply at some of the restaurants, and some other places around campus. I think he will have the best luck there. He felt really uncomfortable applying at the retail places in the mall, where a lot of the employees at certain shops are female.
We're going to Al's parents' house later to get some laundry going, and then do some grocery shopping. Yay, groceries! We are out of milk :( I have been drinking SO much milk, it's ridiculous! I've also been eating lots of cereal and mac and cheese, which require it. Fun times, ahead. :)
So, I got an appointment for the "anatomical scan" ultrasound, which, of course, is when they try to determine the baby's gender, for Thursday, January 6th. So excited!! Of course, we are already pretty sure it's going to be a girl, but being surer can't hurt. Plus, the whole ultrasound experience is really indescribably special. It's so crazy seeing the image of your baby on the screen. The first time I went, I was a little overwhelmed. I think the people working there didn't know what to make of me b/c I didn't show much of a reaction. That's just how I react to things when I'm really emotional and there's people around. I just don't show any of it, even though I feel like I'm going to burst. But it really was amazing and I can't wait to do it again, despite how horribly uncomfortable it is. You'd think, "Oh, they're just touching a wand to your stomach, big deal" but you'd be very wrong in thinking that. In reality, they jam on you with that friggin wand, going so far as to forcibly jostle you in an attempt to get the baby to move a certain way. Probably another contributing factor to my lack of displayed emotion.
I'm hoping we can figure out a plan for relocating soon. At least before the baby comes would really be good. This place is driving me nuts! There is a ceiling tile about to file in the bathroom
The floors aren't secured and the carpets are all pulled up and wrinkled, and the linoleum curls at the edges, making it virtually impossible to keep the floors clean, so they are perpetually filthy
This is the bathroom...yes, it has
a carpet...no, I don't know why
This is the living room entrance
by the front door, notice
the scrunching...
This is the other side of the living room by the kitchen where the carpet meets the linoleum, and we see a lovely section of the cement under the floor.
The cabinet under the sink is...well, we've got tape over it, it's just not a place one should go. It is all molded out and disgusting b/c the pipe to the sink was missing...the entire back of the pipe. The tiles in the kitchen are also coming up b/c of the water damage
The toilet seat has been broken 3 consecutive times in the same spot b/c my moron landlord can't figure out that b/c the archaic contraption was made in, like, 1963, it is too narrow for a "modern" toilet seat and requires a special one. I timed my shower one day and discovered that we get approximately 7 minutes of hot water, which is just long enough to shampoo, wash face, and get covered in soap before the water turns freezing and then you have to rinse off hurriedly and hope you don't miss a spot. The best part is, after making ONE repair, albeit a large one: the entire roof had to be redone as well as parts of mine and my neighbor's ceiling after I came home one day to find my kitchen flooded and rain pouring...from my ceiling...anyway, upon repair, my rent was raised back to the original $600/month. I had been paying only $500 due to all the things wrong in here. I just don't see how that one repair justifies jacking the price up, and now I'm scared that if I have him repair all the other stuff, he'll try to raise it further. So we'd like to skip the whole ordeal and move. I'd really like to go to Mansfield, b/c once the baby is older, they have GREAT schools. Unfortunately, it is an expensive place to live.
Alex seems a little more gung-ho about the job searching. He was cheerleading me to finish my applications this weekend so we could go drop them off and then stop by the Student Union in Uconn to apply at some of the restaurants, and some other places around campus. I think he will have the best luck there. He felt really uncomfortable applying at the retail places in the mall, where a lot of the employees at certain shops are female.
We're going to Al's parents' house later to get some laundry going, and then do some grocery shopping. Yay, groceries! We are out of milk :( I have been drinking SO much milk, it's ridiculous! I've also been eating lots of cereal and mac and cheese, which require it. Fun times, ahead. :)
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Something out of Nothing
I really have nothing to say, so tonights task: make something out of nothing. :P Well, I did find a bunch of fun stuff. It was an odd coincidence because I JUST changed my facebook picture to one of this Absinthe poster I found. Here are some random photos of neat absinthe products I found on a totally cool website:
And here's the pic I used for my profile:
And here's the pic I used for my profile:
So, another doctor's appointment tomorrow. I forgot to get the bloodwork done that I need...oops...so I guess I better get up early so I can go do that first... >P lame. I think, though, that they might be doing another ultrasound soon, to check for the gender of the baby. That would be nice. Once they tell us for sure, I want to go to the Birthright Center in Willimantic and see if we can get a few clothes and things. We've already got a couple car seats, a little playpen, a few outfits, hats, and blankets. I can't wait to go shopping for little baby socks! So cute!
Got a bunch of job applications from the mall yesterday. I'm so sick of no one in this house having a damn job! I was hoping that, since I'm pregnant, Alex might try and get a job, but I can't wait any longer, someone needs to get shit done. It's not like he's been doing nothing, he does all the housework and stuff, and he applied for a bunch of jobs online. I don't think he's really trying to actually get a job, though, because he's not calling anywhere back, or actually going out and getting applications. I do appreciate that he does housework, but I'd really rather I do it and he worked. I know it's silly, but I really feel like having a job was what prevented me from getting pregnant sooner. I thought for a while that I might even have had a miscarriage, but I had similar things happen for like, 3 consecutive months, so I think it was something else. The point being, though, whatever it was was obviously related to my reproductive system, and it stopped when I stopped working. I don't know what's going to happen. Just walking around to pick of the applications left me a little sore. I think that's definitely a sign I need to get more exercise, if nothing else. Hopefully, Alex gets a job first, but it's looking like I'm going to have to be the breadwinner. Not that I'm really that surprised. I would really like for one of us to stay home, though, because I really don't think I can handle working full time and then having to clean when I get home right now.
I think that's all today. Hormones are beating the shit out of me, leaving me uninspired and moody. No fun :/
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Decorating the Tree
Went to my mom's tonight to decorate the Christmas tree!!! It was super fun! My mom and dad and brother and grandma and Alex were all there. We had some food (a dip "platter" of veggies, chips, and dip, then salad and pizza, and a yummy cinnamon cake for dessert that my grandma made) We all sat down together and ate and had some fun and interesting conversations. Then, after dessert we all put the decorations on the tree together.
My mom was pretty funny. She was having trouble with her pre-lit Christmas tree. There were certain sections that just didn't want to light for some reason. She tried re-plugging things in to make sure they were connected in the right spots, she tried changing fuses, changing bulbs. Finally she decided we should just turn the side with the most lights out toward the wall. She always wants everything to be so perfect. It's nice, of course, the way she presents things so well, but I worry that she lets herself go so far with it that she gets stressed out. Obviously, I don't want her to feel that way, but I also understand her desire to have things the way she wants them. I know I am the same way, go figure!
My brother is the funny guy, and of course, he was up to his usual hilarious behavior. He took a couple gold Christmas balls and hung them on his shorts. Silly kid. I wanted to snap a picture, but grandma was looking rather disapproving, so I told Jason to chill w/the teenage boy routine. Sometimes it surprises me how far our "sense of humor" goes before she starts to feel uncomfortable. I think, in exchange for her open-mindedness, we should try not to shock her TOO much.
It was really nice to spend time with everyone and decorating the tree went really fast and was highly entertaining. I was glad Alex was there to share it with us, too. My family has been very welcoming toward him lately, and it's nice to have one less thing to worry about. I guess I'm a pretty lucky person.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Fighting Against the Darkness
Ok, so I'm a little very wound up right now. In general, when someone starts being all negative and wanting to bring me down, I'm pretty good at ignoring it. Sometimes I take the time to point out the fact that they're being negative and/or mean, or whatever, but at that point if they continue, I am usually able to shrug it off and remove myself from the situation. But not with Jarrett. Maybe it's because I know he knows better, maybe it's because I resent the fact that he can act this way while claiming to worship Jesus Christ, who taught peace, love, compassion, and forgiveness, I don't know. Somehow, though, he always manages to drag me into his negativity. I was bawling my fucking eyes out today b/c of the things he was saying to Alex and I on Facebook. It was the dumbest thing, b/c it all started over this picture I'd tagged him in of a 20 sided die like those used in the role-playing game Dungeons and Dragons, which he, Alex, and I, along with some other friends, all used to play together. It is easier to just copy/paste than to give you a drawn out play by play, so here is the conversation that ensued:
My "Hero Complex" is totally not helping me in this situation, b/c I feel like I just want to save the kid from himself. That's why I try to show him that mirror, and make him see how he's acting. But whenever I try I end up arguing, and whenever I argue I just make things worse. He has this really severe problem w/women, and seems to particularly have problems w/me, presumably b/c I'm at least as intelligent and received a much better education than he did. He really can't stand the fact that I'm 1. Not afraid to stand up to him 2. Able to continuously make coherent, well thought out arguments against whatever point he is trying to make. Sometimes I wonder if he isn't so pissed off b/c somewhere deep down, he knows I'm right. He must b/c whenever I argue w/him, rather than use facts or logic to try to prove a point, he resorts to making personal attacks against me and my friends and family.
After reading the new posts he and Alex had made to this convo today, then proceeding to cry about it for, like half an hour, then finally responding in an attempt to squash it...(there is one last comment from him up there that for some reason is no longer there, but in between the last 2 things I said he made some comment about how I just had to get the last word in) I finally realized there was nothing else I could do and unfriended him and blocked him. I have spent so much time and energy fretting over how to help Jarrett be the great person that I know he is capable being, and it's all been such a waste of my efforts. I finally realized that there is just nothing I can do, other than offer up a little prayer that whatever benevolent forces exist in this universe will try to guide him and show him how to be a happy and good person. There is nothing more I can do. I FEEL SO DEFEATED.
Somehow, I really thought there might be something I could do or say to fix this for him, whatever it is that's causing this pain he's feeling that's taking over his life. Maybe that was arrogant of me. All I can do now is offer this up to Eru and accept the fact that I have no power to change things for Jarrett. I also have to accept that I can't have him be a part of my life if he is going to bring all this negativity into it. Especially right now. I need to remember that right now, my priority should be making this sweet, beautiful little baby that's growing inside me. :) Still, I pray that he finds the way back to the light and sound of God and that whatever torment his Soul is enduring may be put to peace. Remember, Jarrett, that no matter what, we're your friends, and we'll always love you, even as our tears fall.
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The posting of this picture was so that everyone could have a laugh,yaay good times, blah blah blah....but you had to start the negativity with the "its improperly drawn" bullshit.
Then comes " its not snooty. its called awareness. D&D is only as good as its DM and players. picking things apart is the fun, otherwise its just story telling and rolling dice." Dude if you can say that you were honestly not taking a direct stab at our group and how we, or I, ran things, I'd call you deluded.
You also have this superiority complex over other people "I prefer a higher caliber of game play." Did you have your nose in the air while you typed that? Cuz it sounds like you did.
You are just as much of a "lazy halfwit" as any of the people you played with, yet for some inexplicable reason you act like you are better than all of them. How can you expect anyone to want to play and include you with an attitude like this? Why do you always have to bring the negativity cloud into everything?
And enough with the boffers, if you wanted them so badly we should've found a better place for them. They were in HIS space and he has every right to not have it cluttered up with our shit. So stop blaming my Dad. We invaded his space, ya know, the space that he pays for every month with a mortgage, that you don't contribute to. So he had every right to get rid of them. I would've preffered he asked first. But we did leave them there untouched for a LONG time.
You need to stop being so quick to blame others for things that upset you.
"D&D is only as good as its DM and players"
"Also, in a compelling and relevant story, there must be a semi attention paid to whats being done, or you end up with +10 dunce caps on."
" I must apologize for bringing the idea to the table, collecting the books, organizing, and trying to get lazy halfwits to function together, knowing nothing but the usual would take place."
" people are to sensitive and just want to play grab ass."
You're self righteous because you put people down in order to make yourself look more right. Self, right, eous, get it? Now you've called us all lazy halfwits, said that I as DM, and the players, who were completely new to it were not of your caliber, and you've insulted my storytelling abilities by saying that I didn't pay attention to it. This just isn't the way you deal with friends.