Whew...what a day...I slept late...although I still feel fatigued and crappy; I haven't been sleeping well. I can't get comfortable, b/c I have to sleep on my side, being prego. I have a rolled up blanket I put between my knees to help w/the pain in my knees and hips, but I can't figure out how to prevent the pain I get in my shoulders. It's been enough to keep me up lately. Along with the help of the cats, of course. They are furious that they haven't been allowed to go out due to all the snow. They yowl and jump around, trying to cause enough trouble to get kicked out. Silly creatures.
Anyway, as to the craziness of today....oh boy. It started out innocently enough, as all things seem to. While I was asleep, Alex was bored and posting on Facebook. He enjoys making provocative statements about various topics, most often religion in an attempt to force people to really examine their faith. I find this to be an admirable pursuit, as far too many people align themselves with a religion based on the threat of hellfire rather than any rational thought process about what they are agreeing to. Most people don't really get it, though, and sometimes people get offended. Today he saw on one of his friends' pages that his wife said something about going to church with "His praise on her lips". He made some innocent commentary that wasn't really saying anything, b/c it sounds a little bit sexual, and is rather hilarious. She got all mad and suggested he block their page, even though what he'd said was no more than "Wow....n.m." Of course, after that, he had to vent and posted a status about how homo-erotic Christian religion is, citing the near-naked form of the not unattractively depicted Christ on the cross as evidence.
This led to what was, at first, an interesting discussion. Until the infamous Jarrett got involved. Of course, he had to proceed to making offensive remarks about gays and resort to name-calling, forcing Alex to defend himself as bisexual. Somehow, when his mother saw the conversation, she got all offended, and not by what Jarrett was saying, but of Alex's original post questioning the church! Well, why the hell shouldn't he question an organization that condemns him to eternal damnation for feelings that he doesn't choose to have? She called him on the phone and they had an argument about the fact that he does not agree with their religion. Then he admitted to her that he is bisexual, and things really just blew up in his face at that point. Poor guy...try and be honest with people...
I was really proud of the way Alex stood up for himself, who he is, and his beliefs to his parents. It's really tough that they just can't see any other perspective than that non-Christians, and not just non-Christians, but anyone who is not Russian Orthodox, will go to hell. His mother even suggested that he simply ignore the fact that the religion did not condone homosexuality...ummm...what? You're...not really supposed to...I mean...doesn't it kindof defeat the purpose...to just...reject the parts of the religion you don't agree with? It was definitely a heated discussion, but I think Alex did a good job of sticking up for himself without being disrespectful to them. If anything, I was a little disappointed in the way they reacted to him. His mother got very emotional, of course, then blamed herself, and a bunch of other understandable, but very immature and rather selfish forms of response. His dad tried to be forceful, shouting in the background "Oh, he'll do it!" when Alex said that he did not want to raise our daughter orthodox. Talk about disrespectful....how disappointing. At least Alex was being a reasonable person throughout being berated and made to feel guilty.
Facebook also did some good things for us today, though! Alex found an opening for a tattoo artist's apprenticeship on Craigslist. Unfortunately, there was a cost of $2000 for equipment and licensing. However, that really isn't that much in comparison to, say, trying to get a degree. He is such a talented artist, and he gets so frustrated by having to work crappy 9-5 jobs, so we were really excited that there seemed to be an attainable way for him to use his talent to make a career for himself. So, I encouraged him to pursue it, even though we don't have the money right now. He's started drawing daily, and posting his work on Facebook, and people love it!!! So, I suggested he put it out there that he was interested in exploring a career in tattooing, but needed financial backing. I didn't know that anyone would really be able to help, but figured it was worth a shot. Especially since his parents' religious views are against tattoos, so they probably wouldn't be willing to help. He had a status update about that too, b/c it upset him that their religion would seem to take precedence over his success and happiness...the issue was, of course, part of the phone conversation about religion... :/ Anyway, we were both surprised to see that, within a couple hours, almost half a dozen people responded and wanted to help out!! We messaged them with our address, and I'm hoping that with a little help from our friends, Alex can make this dream of being a tattoo artist a reality!!!
It has been really tough, trying to counteract his mom's nay-saying about tattooing. Other family members also took up the cause, trying to suggest other areas of artistic careers, like graphic design. The whole point, though is that he doesn't need a degree for this!! Just the certification and equipment, all of which he can get for a measly 2 grand!!! That's a fraction of what it would cost for him to get the degree he would need to do graphic design, and we can't even afford that much w/o asking for help. In any case, though, I am very happy for him that this looks like it might work out!! How cool would that be? So excite!!
Right now, am feeling very emotionally exhausted...lack of proper sleep and all this excitement has got me pooped, despite sleeping on/off for almost 12 hours...zzzzzz
Monday, January 31, 2011
Friday, January 14, 2011
This Is Only A Test
Sometimes I feel like life is really testing me. As though some higher power is observing my struggles, nodding their head and perhaps scratching their chin and saying "Yeah, that was fairly well done, but will you do when this happens?" I believe it will be a struggle to avoid making this entry a mopey, self-indulgent list of all the things going wrong in my life, but I need to write something. Maybe I will surprise myself and gain some perspective.
Alex had his surgery last Wednesday. It went pretty well, apparently. They gave instructions for cleaning the wound and prescribed some antibacterial cream and pain killers. Unfortunately, all sense of things being well left me when I took the bandages off to change the dressing for the very first time. I had been under the, apparently quite mistaken, impression that they were going to make one or two incisions. What I found was a huge, gaping hole in the back of his neck. They also cauterized the wound, so it looked doubly weird. Like, people look weird inside, but this was extra weird. I actually froze for a moment, my hands shaking, the bandages half removed. I wasn't sure I could proceed with changing the dressing, because I knew I would have to apply the antibacterial cream. It really freaked me out, and I started to become far more worried than I'd been before the procedure. It opened up a whole horrible line of thinking for me. What would I do if something happened to him? How could I go on without him? My whole life and world revolve around Alex, and the prospect of somehow trying to survive in a world that didn't include him was terrifying.
Of course, it had to get worse before it got better. He started running out of pain killers, and the doctors were giving him a really hard time about getting more. The bandages were also sticking to parts of the wound, forcing me to rip it open when changing them. In the years we've been together, I've seen Alex cry a few times, but almost never because of physical pain. I was so frustrated I said that if the doctor didn't give him more medicine, I was going to drive Alex to his office for every bandage change because I couldn't bring myself to put him through it. We ended up having to take him to the emergency room, where they gave him a small prescription to hold him over until we could see the doctor, who wrote a full prescription for him. Luckily, this gave me a little peace of mind, as both the nurse at the E.R. and the doctor both agreed that the wound was healing well and that I have been doing a good job taking care of it. So, it does seem like everything will work out in this case, although it certainly has been a bit traumatizing.
Tuesday was a pretty stressful day. It was the day we had to go to the doctor's so they could look at his wound and decide whether or not to prescribe the painkillers he'd requested. We also had to cash our checks and get the money order to pay the rent, which was going to be late. As I've already mentioned, the doctor's visit went well, and we proceeded to WalMart to drop off the prescription and take care of the financial stuff. This was also the day before the big snowstorm, so the place was packed and we waited forever in line at the customer service desk. When I finally got to the front and tried to cash my check, the clerk looked at my driver's license and said it had expired. I calmly asked her how this was relevant to me cashing a check. She proceeded to explain that she couldn't cash my check because the id was invalid. I attempted to reason with her, which, in retrospect, was probably a mistake, given that I was, after all, at WalMart. "You are checking my id to verify my identity, not whether or not I am licensed to drive," I explained. "This is obviously my id, there is a picture of me on the front. So, you can tell that this is indeed me. So I really don't understand why there's a problem." She then conferred with her co-worker who agreed that it was the store policy not to accept an expired license as a valid form of id.
I happened to be particularly hormonal that day. I also was pretty miffed that this arrogant, ignorant little bitch felt the need to make life more difficult for someone who was quite obviously not in a great position at the moment. I mean, I show up at your counter, very pregnant, to cash an unemployment check, and you're really going to give me a hard time about my expired driver's license? As if that is even something I can be worrying about that right now? So I promised I would be back with my passport and valiantly resisted the urge to cover both WalMart employees behind the counter with the salad someone had returned that was sitting on the counter. As I was walking away, I became painfully aware that my anger was at a detrimental level. I recall thinking that it was very bad for the baby for me to be feeling this level of stress, and that if I didn't do something to blow off some steam, there was a very high probability that I would do something extremely dangerous and stupid if any tiny little thing pushed me any further. So I kicked the chair at the little employment computer, pretty hard. I was surprised it didn't move very much, but it made a loud noise. Everyone in the line, which was now even longer than when I'd joined it, stared. Even though I knew I was making an ass of myself and should be embarrassed, I found it funny. It actually made me feel better. So I walked down a nearby checkout that was closed and put my arm out as I went, knocking a bunch of things over on the top shelf. Again, I knew I was being childish and that I should be ashamed, but I didn't care even a little bit, and it really did make me feel better. I went home, got my passport, came back and took care of everything. The clerk, Lisa, that I'd gotten before was still there, and I don't know if she was embarrassed or frightened or what, but her cheeks were red. I really think she was lucky, because I consider myself a rational person, someone with self-control who doesn't go lashing out at WalMart employees. I realized that day that hormones are no fucking joke, folks. I truly believe if I had not lashed out in those small ways that Ms. Lisa was in immediate and very real danger of having her eyes clawed out.
I arrived home for the final time...finally, with my rent payment, feeling emotionally drained and ready to try and relax. I hop on facebook, and things really got interesting. And, by interesting, I mean completely shitty. I'd seen a post from my father about how he was missing down south. Then I saw a few more things on his page from posts and comments about how he'd gotten a job and moved far away (presumably down south). Today I saw posts that confirmed that he's now living and working in Burlingon, North Carolina. No call, not even a fb message. It's not like this is the first time, either. There was the memorable first time he took off, when I was 7, the day after my birthday party, I believe. At least he had the balls to say goodbye. Then he moved to North Carolina a few years ago with his now ex-wife and their daughter. I saw him that time before he left, too, and was a little less traumatized than the previous time...although that could be attributed to the fact that it was at the time during my life when I was...well, I was stoned...a lot...always. I don't know why, but this time...seemed to hurt as much as the first time. Maybe it was the hormones. Maybe it was because he didn't say goodbye.
He had been trying to get me to go spend time with him, inviting me to his studio. I wanted to see him, but I just wasn't up for the atmosphere. It's a really great, fun time with a lot of interesting people...if you're in the mood for a party. Since I'm pregnant, I really haven't been in the mood. Really, it's not my scene in general. I prefer small gatherings and one on one time to being surrounded by people, many I'm meeting for the first time or don't know very well. I thought about trying to explain it to him, but I didn't think I could make him understand. I just can't help but wonder, if I'd made more of an effort to spend time with him, might he have stayed? But on the other hand, how can he expect me to just do that? To put the time and energy into building a relationship with him when he's already left like this, more than once, and not just to me. I don't know what happened with Jamie, but I would have to assume she's with her mother, and since Jen was the one that insisted they come back north, I can't imagine she went with him. I try to understand and to love him for who he is, but I don't understand why he can't see that it hurts. I hope Jamie is ok, and that she understands it's not her fault.
I was feeling crappy and cried a lot when I found out, so I called my mom. She and my brother made me feel so much better. Even though I was still sad, it made me happy to have them to make me feel loved. It really did make me feel better knowing that I'd always have them. I also thought about David, who adopted me and loves me as his daughter, even though he's not my biological father. I can't change my father, I can only love him for who he is, and be thankful for the family I have that I know is always around me and there for me. I love them so much.
Yesterday we went out to Farmington for yet another ultrasound, this being my third one. I was surprised because my mother said she'd only gotten one when she was pregnant with my brother...however, I guess that was over 15 years ago...They said she only has a two vessel cord, which means instead of two arteries and one vein, she only has one artery and one vein. Everything else looks completely normal and fine, but there's about a 20% occurrence of certain birth defects coinciding with the condition. In February we have a follow up appointment where they will take a closer look at her heart and make sure there are no abnormalities. At that point they may offer amniocentesis. I am REALLY hoping this won't be necessary, and as there is a 1/300 case of infection and chronic fluid loss from the procedure, it might be a tough decision to weight the risks against the benefits. Whatever happens, I'll do whatever I can to make sure that she's healthy, and hopefully it turns out not to be an issue anyway, because so far everything else has been perfectly normal. I also got results showing very decreased risk of birth defects from the down syndrome testing. So there's really no point in worrying about anything right now.
So, really, nothing bad happened this week. Alex's wound from surgery is healing well, the rent is going to be paid, I have a wonderful family that loves me, and a healthy baby on the way. :) Blogging really can be therapeutic.
Alex had his surgery last Wednesday. It went pretty well, apparently. They gave instructions for cleaning the wound and prescribed some antibacterial cream and pain killers. Unfortunately, all sense of things being well left me when I took the bandages off to change the dressing for the very first time. I had been under the, apparently quite mistaken, impression that they were going to make one or two incisions. What I found was a huge, gaping hole in the back of his neck. They also cauterized the wound, so it looked doubly weird. Like, people look weird inside, but this was extra weird. I actually froze for a moment, my hands shaking, the bandages half removed. I wasn't sure I could proceed with changing the dressing, because I knew I would have to apply the antibacterial cream. It really freaked me out, and I started to become far more worried than I'd been before the procedure. It opened up a whole horrible line of thinking for me. What would I do if something happened to him? How could I go on without him? My whole life and world revolve around Alex, and the prospect of somehow trying to survive in a world that didn't include him was terrifying.
Of course, it had to get worse before it got better. He started running out of pain killers, and the doctors were giving him a really hard time about getting more. The bandages were also sticking to parts of the wound, forcing me to rip it open when changing them. In the years we've been together, I've seen Alex cry a few times, but almost never because of physical pain. I was so frustrated I said that if the doctor didn't give him more medicine, I was going to drive Alex to his office for every bandage change because I couldn't bring myself to put him through it. We ended up having to take him to the emergency room, where they gave him a small prescription to hold him over until we could see the doctor, who wrote a full prescription for him. Luckily, this gave me a little peace of mind, as both the nurse at the E.R. and the doctor both agreed that the wound was healing well and that I have been doing a good job taking care of it. So, it does seem like everything will work out in this case, although it certainly has been a bit traumatizing.
Tuesday was a pretty stressful day. It was the day we had to go to the doctor's so they could look at his wound and decide whether or not to prescribe the painkillers he'd requested. We also had to cash our checks and get the money order to pay the rent, which was going to be late. As I've already mentioned, the doctor's visit went well, and we proceeded to WalMart to drop off the prescription and take care of the financial stuff. This was also the day before the big snowstorm, so the place was packed and we waited forever in line at the customer service desk. When I finally got to the front and tried to cash my check, the clerk looked at my driver's license and said it had expired. I calmly asked her how this was relevant to me cashing a check. She proceeded to explain that she couldn't cash my check because the id was invalid. I attempted to reason with her, which, in retrospect, was probably a mistake, given that I was, after all, at WalMart. "You are checking my id to verify my identity, not whether or not I am licensed to drive," I explained. "This is obviously my id, there is a picture of me on the front. So, you can tell that this is indeed me. So I really don't understand why there's a problem." She then conferred with her co-worker who agreed that it was the store policy not to accept an expired license as a valid form of id.
I happened to be particularly hormonal that day. I also was pretty miffed that this arrogant, ignorant little bitch felt the need to make life more difficult for someone who was quite obviously not in a great position at the moment. I mean, I show up at your counter, very pregnant, to cash an unemployment check, and you're really going to give me a hard time about my expired driver's license? As if that is even something I can be worrying about that right now? So I promised I would be back with my passport and valiantly resisted the urge to cover both WalMart employees behind the counter with the salad someone had returned that was sitting on the counter. As I was walking away, I became painfully aware that my anger was at a detrimental level. I recall thinking that it was very bad for the baby for me to be feeling this level of stress, and that if I didn't do something to blow off some steam, there was a very high probability that I would do something extremely dangerous and stupid if any tiny little thing pushed me any further. So I kicked the chair at the little employment computer, pretty hard. I was surprised it didn't move very much, but it made a loud noise. Everyone in the line, which was now even longer than when I'd joined it, stared. Even though I knew I was making an ass of myself and should be embarrassed, I found it funny. It actually made me feel better. So I walked down a nearby checkout that was closed and put my arm out as I went, knocking a bunch of things over on the top shelf. Again, I knew I was being childish and that I should be ashamed, but I didn't care even a little bit, and it really did make me feel better. I went home, got my passport, came back and took care of everything. The clerk, Lisa, that I'd gotten before was still there, and I don't know if she was embarrassed or frightened or what, but her cheeks were red. I really think she was lucky, because I consider myself a rational person, someone with self-control who doesn't go lashing out at WalMart employees. I realized that day that hormones are no fucking joke, folks. I truly believe if I had not lashed out in those small ways that Ms. Lisa was in immediate and very real danger of having her eyes clawed out.
I arrived home for the final time...finally, with my rent payment, feeling emotionally drained and ready to try and relax. I hop on facebook, and things really got interesting. And, by interesting, I mean completely shitty. I'd seen a post from my father about how he was missing down south. Then I saw a few more things on his page from posts and comments about how he'd gotten a job and moved far away (presumably down south). Today I saw posts that confirmed that he's now living and working in Burlingon, North Carolina. No call, not even a fb message. It's not like this is the first time, either. There was the memorable first time he took off, when I was 7, the day after my birthday party, I believe. At least he had the balls to say goodbye. Then he moved to North Carolina a few years ago with his now ex-wife and their daughter. I saw him that time before he left, too, and was a little less traumatized than the previous time...although that could be attributed to the fact that it was at the time during my life when I was...well, I was stoned...a lot...always. I don't know why, but this time...seemed to hurt as much as the first time. Maybe it was the hormones. Maybe it was because he didn't say goodbye.
He had been trying to get me to go spend time with him, inviting me to his studio. I wanted to see him, but I just wasn't up for the atmosphere. It's a really great, fun time with a lot of interesting people...if you're in the mood for a party. Since I'm pregnant, I really haven't been in the mood. Really, it's not my scene in general. I prefer small gatherings and one on one time to being surrounded by people, many I'm meeting for the first time or don't know very well. I thought about trying to explain it to him, but I didn't think I could make him understand. I just can't help but wonder, if I'd made more of an effort to spend time with him, might he have stayed? But on the other hand, how can he expect me to just do that? To put the time and energy into building a relationship with him when he's already left like this, more than once, and not just to me. I don't know what happened with Jamie, but I would have to assume she's with her mother, and since Jen was the one that insisted they come back north, I can't imagine she went with him. I try to understand and to love him for who he is, but I don't understand why he can't see that it hurts. I hope Jamie is ok, and that she understands it's not her fault.
I was feeling crappy and cried a lot when I found out, so I called my mom. She and my brother made me feel so much better. Even though I was still sad, it made me happy to have them to make me feel loved. It really did make me feel better knowing that I'd always have them. I also thought about David, who adopted me and loves me as his daughter, even though he's not my biological father. I can't change my father, I can only love him for who he is, and be thankful for the family I have that I know is always around me and there for me. I love them so much.
Yesterday we went out to Farmington for yet another ultrasound, this being my third one. I was surprised because my mother said she'd only gotten one when she was pregnant with my brother...however, I guess that was over 15 years ago...They said she only has a two vessel cord, which means instead of two arteries and one vein, she only has one artery and one vein. Everything else looks completely normal and fine, but there's about a 20% occurrence of certain birth defects coinciding with the condition. In February we have a follow up appointment where they will take a closer look at her heart and make sure there are no abnormalities. At that point they may offer amniocentesis. I am REALLY hoping this won't be necessary, and as there is a 1/300 case of infection and chronic fluid loss from the procedure, it might be a tough decision to weight the risks against the benefits. Whatever happens, I'll do whatever I can to make sure that she's healthy, and hopefully it turns out not to be an issue anyway, because so far everything else has been perfectly normal. I also got results showing very decreased risk of birth defects from the down syndrome testing. So there's really no point in worrying about anything right now.
So, really, nothing bad happened this week. Alex's wound from surgery is healing well, the rent is going to be paid, I have a wonderful family that loves me, and a healthy baby on the way. :) Blogging really can be therapeutic.
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